Are you the person you require your mate to be? It’s time for some self-reflection.

By: Amanda Anderson

So I’m not the avid dater I used to be, but I figured that I would dust off my old list just for kicks. And when I mention this particular list, I’m referring to THE list. Every woman has had a list whether it’s some shabby piece of notebook paper hidden away from your younger days or permanently scribbled in your mind; It’s clear that we know just exactly what we want from a man as we climb up in age. And it’s nothing wrong with having a few demands when it comes to love, but it is a problem to require from others what you don’t even require from yourself.


In my early 20s, my girlfriends and I would dish over cocktails just what we had to have in a man. We sincerely believed our requests were realistic and rational, and found ourselves severely disappointed when these requests were not fully met failed relationship after failed relationship. We just could not fathom how on earth these simple needs were so difficult for men to fulfill. It’s not like we were asking for a six figure salary making brother, who happened to model on the side, had the perfect chiseled body and biceps, and fed the hungry while maintaining several fortune 500 companies.
We opted for realism.

What we did want is a man who had the maturity verses the swag, intelligence, and a giving heart that could make a relationship a prosperous one. Instead, we got college degree toting brothers who could give us stimulating conversations, graduated top of their class, but had a level of selfishness that made the relationship unbearable.

This happened so frequently that we grew tired of even discussing what we just didn’t have.

Why is it that such amazing women attract some of the most selfish men?

It’s a scenario that we see time and time again. The successful sister who worked her behind off in college, fought the injustices of corporate America, and landed on top as the forerunner at her dream job, but couldn’t quite land the same amount of success in love.

She’s the type of woman that any man with sense should be chasing down the aisle…she should have options. Instead, she has the educated brother who’s smart enough to perform well in the workplace, but he just can’t manage to get over himself long enough to think about what she wants.

Sound familiar?

Sometimes we get so lost in these lists and having the things that we want, that we naturally begin to forget about the needs of others. When we scribble down what our dream man must be like, we don’t take the time to think about whether we ourselves are a dream to the man we so desperately seek.

You want a man that’s considerate, giving, intelligent, and ambitious…well how about yourself?

Are you giving, intelligent, and an ambitious young woman?

Or have you even considered that just maybe he too has some important things that he needs to be just as happy?

After growing tired from poisonous relationships with selfish men, I realized that I too had been selfish to a very damaging degree. I had went on and on about what I wanted, but not once did I have the maturity to look at myself in the mirror to see if I was a beckon of happiness to my dream man.

Our partners are usually an adult size mirror version of ourselves. We complain and complain some more about these horrid brothers, but in some instances, they are a clear reflection of ourselves at that particular moment of our lives. Successful, intelligent, but selfish as hell with a long list or requirements that mention nothing of what they plan to give in return. Their resume is love worthy, but their “all about me” attitudes are not.

That selfish brother came right into the picture after you selfishly scribbled down what you wanted from a man. He may have had the degree and the drive, but he was too selfish to make the relationship work.

You’re back at square one again because you forgot one important rule:

In love, you have to become what you want now in order to get what you want later.

It’s the law of attraction.

When we are able to give what we need to others, someone will come along who is willing to give us those needs in return. A relationship has to be 50/50, so flip on the other side of your list and check to make sure you’re giving what you are demanding.

And just maybe you will be ahead of the other list hugging sisters, and be the type of woman that makes brothers want nothing more than to leave you satisfied and needing nothing. It starts with a list and ends with a woman who can see past herself.

Look in the mirror and you’ll be able to see the bigger picture.

Are you the dream that you require your man to be?

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