Archives for category: relationships

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By: Amanda Anderson-Niles

“The biggest mistake most women make is believing they need closure to a bad relationship. The truth is that once you discover a man no longer wants you, that’s really all the closure you need.”

I think I have lost count of the number of times I have heard a woman say she needed closure from the same man that dogged her the majority of the relationship. I myself have sought closure from someone I probably should have never dated in the first place.

Why do we do this?

I have a few guesses, but I would have to say the problem stems from our overcommitment to men who have never bothered to commit to us. We do this occasionally as an attempt to work things out with people who have no desire to put any work into their half of the relationship. We should walk away happily when we realize that we have been involved in an unhealthy relationship. But instead, we need to hear why we’ve been treated this way, when it doesn’t matter why but the fact that we were mistreated should be enough to move on.

Another problem is our sense of entitlement. After putting up with so much disrespect from one person, we feel they finally owe us some respect for our decision to stay way too long. But they don’t owe us what we owe ourselves, and that’s knowing better, and eventually doing better.

We simply feel entitled to the wrong things. Instead of feeling that closure is owed to us for our devotion to someone we had no business being with, we ought to feel entitled to being respected the first moments we embark in any relationship, and throughout the relationship. Simply put, we ought to feel entitled to a good man! So much so that staying with just any man won’t do.

Why do we wait until the last moment to make demands?

I’m a true believer that when a man wants a woman, he’s going to do what it takes to keep that woman. So if we’ve made our needs clear and he still won’t oblige, it’s quite clear that he is not trying to keep you. And by you hanging on to a man that isn’t trying to keep you, you’re loudly confirming without words that your needs and happiness aren’t really important. And it’s hard to make anything work out with a man who realizes you’ll give up your own happiness just to keep him around.

It’s best to require any man that has an interest in you to treat you right from the beginning, anything else and you’ll have to settle for closure.

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Desperation for titles turns into settling for role playing.

By: Amanda Anderson-Niles

I’m a newlywed. I’m still fresh into this whole marriage thing, and if I know anything, it’s that I don’t know enough. There has to be literally thousands of books that promise to offer the best in marriage and relationship advice, but marriage is just one of those things you have to experience first to even come close to getting it…and somewhat understanding it.

The success we’ve always had running this magazine has been a rawness. We weren’t necessarily preaching, but more so revealing our past mistakes in hopes to make someone a lot smarter than we were at the time of the error. But in every relationship article was true emotion. And I’ve become emotional to society’s blatant disrespect to marriage. Since reciting my vows at the altar and proclaiming to share my life with this one man until death, I now wince at anyone who treats their boyfriend as husband.

Now this isn’t about me feeling like I’m somehow better due to my newly obtained nuptials. But I’d be a liar and a very naive one if I didn’t acknowledge the ultimate disrespect many seem to have regarding marriage.

You see, I for the life of me could never understand how any man who hasn’t made the ultimate commitment deserves to be treated as the king in my household.

I simply refused to treat any man like my husband if he wasn’t my husband. I’m sure my mentality isn’t the most attractive to any man who isn’t interested in committing, but rejection and disinterest from the wrong kind of men is a good thing.

I made up in my head during my single days that I wasn’t going to be cooking, cleaning, and screwing a man who wasn’t really mine…all mine.

No, playing house was never an option for me as I never saw the benefits in catering to some man that could easily walk away at any moment.

Call me crazy, self righteous, boogie and even arrogant; but I wasn’t going to act like a wife to any man until I was a wife.

And it turns out that strategy worked out for me eventually as now I am a wife. I’m pretty sure my husband realized while we were dating that me caving to the pressure of our society’s obsession to become “wifey” just wasn’t a reality for me. I wasn’t going to settle for becoming wifey when I knew I could become wife.

This is the same reason I think ride or die chicks are delusional. The only man we should be riding or dying for is our husbands. Not some knuckle head who still refuses to commit to you and refuses to make choices that will benefit your relationship because he rather show his boys how real he is or how many women he can still keep on the side.

Dating is merely a series of auditions. And until engagement or marriage, no man deserves an ultimate commitment from you. No, I’m not saying you should be bagging several men while dating that one brother you really like, but I am saying that women shouldn’t feel obligated to stay and work things out with men we aren’t married to.

Yes ladies, we should walk away from any man who hasn’t shown us any real reason to stay. That boyfriend title just isn’t great enough to warrant our unwavering devotion.

Out of anger, some of you will read this article and tell yourselves (and perhaps me) that marriage isn’t even that serious, yet I’m sure if you sat back and observed you’d be able to see many people who have chosen to imitate its benefits. It’s always the people who attempt to mock and devalue marriage who are involved in their own imitational versions of it.

That man who told you he never wants to get married wouldn’t oppose a live in girlfriend (wifey) who was cooking, cleaning, and screwing him the way he wanted…would he?

There is nothing wrong with cooking your significant other a nice dinner from time to time, but know that your purpose in life is not to provide the benefits of marriage to men you are not married to. We as women can’t continue to complain about our difficulties in getting married if we are pretending to be married to every man we date. Even fear of loneliness should not keep you from being aware of your true position in dating.

Know your worth and leave the role playing to the wifeys.

Who is he really feeling…The real you or your spokesperson?

By: Taren Vaughan

First impressions…how crucial they can be. One slip of the tongue, strand of hair out of place or a fail in wardrobe selection can make that first date your very last. Your appearance along with the things that come out of your mouth are your life lines. And knowing this, we try our hardest to be on point with every single thing, no matter how much it cost or how long it takes to do.

And when it comes to this, some of us as women can get a little out of control with it, transforming into a person that we ourselves have never even seen before; a character that is completely different from our normal selves.

Just that morning, you had shoulder length hair, a simple manicure and a light coat of make-up. Date time comes around and things change with the quickness. Hair is flowing down your back, nails are a couple inches longer now and make-up is caked on extra thick. Seeing you all dolled up this way, surely a man would be impressed and want to see you again and maybe even take it a step further. Much props to you for that but did you ever stop to think that he may be expecting the exact same replica of you on a regular basis?

So now you go from weavin’ it up for one night to having to keep it up on a consistent basis. Taking numerous trips to the nail salon is now apart of your agenda. And no more stepping outside of the house bare faced with a pair of jeans or sweats on. Dolled up at all times you must be. At this point, you have to ask yourself, who has this man fallen for, the real you or the spokesperson version of you? Could he accept you in pure form, without all the extras?

I’m sure we all can agree that first impressions hold significant value. There is no doubt about that. But they are important for a reason that many of us miss. It’s true that they are what can make or break you on a first date but who says you can’t still be yourself in the process?

If you are not a woman who likes wearing added hair or spending hours on end in a nail salon, then don’t. Wearing make-up not your thing? Then rock your natural glow. Sometimes we get too hung up on impressing a guy that we lose our true images in the process.

The best first impressions are always the realest ones. And that is what he should be falling for.

Many women stay in unhealthy relationships because they have been brainwashed to believe that paying dues is required for love. But when did being loved require being treated like sh-t first? Does paying dues make a now incompatible person somehow compatible later?


By: Amanda Niles

I get the whole relationship scenario better now as a married woman. Perhaps it’s because I’ve matured, figured out who I am, let go of some nasty old habits, and learned how to be content with myself. I haven’t exhaled or written off black men, but I’ve grown and realized finally that most of my relationship troubles were because of…me.

Through a series of repeated bad decisions and an addiction to the wrong types of men, although mistreated and lied to, at some point after the lessons have been learned, a woman does bear some responsibilities.

The problem lies in the unfortunate fact that most of us believe that we must pay some sort of dues to land love, when love shouldn’t unfairly require so much of one person, and so less of the other.

I can’t take all the credit in my growth, however. 

I’m pretty sure all of my horrid relationships have much to do with the good relationship and marriage I’m in now. Yeah, sometimes it takes a bad thing to see a good thing a mile away, when before a good thing was a little boring and mistaken for merely a friend when up close and personal. And I’m quite sure any stable and mature human being can understand that our mistakes play a role in our pending blessings. But it’s way too easy to confuse painful and necessary lessons with paying unnecessary dues with the most unnecessary people. To put it short and sweet, too many of us may feel we’re just paying our much needed dues, but in reality, we’re just wasting our time “re-learning” the same exact lessons.

We know that the relationship we tried to work on for three years just wasn’t meant to be, but when we see that ex-douche-bag/boyfriend make it work with the other girl who we swear isn’t all that cute, there’s a sense of resentment that he somehow made it work with…someone so basic.

I mean seriously, we have the degree, successful career, impeccable wardrobe, we’re gorgeous with a sick body, we throw down in the kitchen, dealt his bullsh-t for two years…and then he puts a ring on the chick that has half our credentials and only tolerated his dusty behind for 6 months?

It’s not so much love as it is a sense of entitlement.

Immediately, we get salty. We paid our dues, and she just came along at the right time. The time when he finally decided to grow up and commit after he wouldn’t commit to us. In most cases, he hasn’t really changed, but the change in his relationship status is enough to blur our memory on just why he ain’t all that to begin with.

Yeah it hurts just as badly as it did when we ended things and finally managed to walk away. But we can’t forget that somewhere inside of what could have been is still what ISN’T and WILL NEVER BE. And that’s just it:

Paying dues can’t turn the wrong man into the right one. Relationships aren’t easy, but none one of us were created to stay in relationships that were always meant to be short term. Staying where you shouldn’t be is unhealthy, disastrous, and the quickest way to misery .

It’s easy to forget what we have been through when we’re still trying to get somewhere, but there’s just no pay off for the woman still paying her dues in her mid 20s.

The title explains it all.

By: Taren Vaughan

The female population is quite diverse wouldn’t you say? Our uniqueness in style of dress from the way that we rock our hair sets us apart from each other. Many positive things that you can say about us women. Now on to the not so positive things, or better yet differences between us women folk and one of the biggest is being lifestyles. Some of us are used to getting nice things every now and then from our significant others. A random delivery of flowers on the job or walking into your house with a home cooked meal waiting for you on the kitchen table. Most women would absolutely adore a man like this. Oh, but not an O.P.F. That’s minor to an Overly Pampered Female.

Don’t know what an O.P.F. is? Let me break it down for you.

An O.P.F. is woman that the cake, icing, the toppings. Hell, she wants everything on the dessert table. She wants it all and is not satisfied until she gets it.

The thousand dollar shopping sprees, the expensive dinners night after night; this sister asks and this sister gets. The first amendment in her eyes the right to spend and be pampered with no limits attached.

Who is to blame for this spoiled, “Money can buy my love” type of woman?

Their man of course; his mentality is to keep her happy at all cost, even if it means racking up overdraft fees in the process. It’s all about pleasing the O.P.F. She is used to glitz and glamour and her man will see to it that nothing has to change.

See, some women get used to a certain lifestyle. Some women are used to their man not being able to spend endless amounts of money on them and are very content with whatever he is able to do for them. On the other end of the spectrum, there are those who have grown quite fond of the “good life” that they have been living. Being overly pampered is not a privilege to them; it’s damn near a right. And if you try to take that right away from her, all hell will break loose. The attitude starts flarin’, the mouth starts runnin’ and most of all, the denial starts setting in.

They can’t quite grasp the fact that they can’t ball out like they used to because their man has suffered a pay cut or they have had that “pink slip delivery”. Things have totally changed for their family financially and buying a new pair of Louboutin shoes is not top priority on your man’s list.

Downsizing is the focus now. Trying to figure out how to pay the bills is the focus now. Bills first, Dooney and Burke, second.

The O.P.F.’s have a hard time understanding this though. “No” is a word that they have grown unfamiliar with and is non-existence in their vocabulary. And “broke” is one that they try to dodge like a bullet. Simplicity is a stretch and hard to stomach for them.

So until the men who are in relationships with them grow some serious balls, they will always be sure to catch a case of an O.P.F.

For those who think an open relationship is the perfect thing for your relationship, you are in for a rude awakening.


By A.J. Niles

The idea of an open relationship may sound good in theory. Your partner allows you to pursue sexual conquests of other people; You get to date others and your partner at the same time. To the immature person, this really seems like the best thing ever.

However, when this theory is aplied in real life, things are not what they seem.

Now you may be asking yourself, “I see and know of celebrities and athletes that live this lifestyle so it can not be that bad, can it?”

Superstar actor Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinkett Smith have let it be known that they practice an open relationship. Well if you have been reading the papers, blogs or watching television lately, you have heard about the rumors of a break-up between the two. Supposedly, Will caught Jada in his house “creepin’” with another celebrity.

Now aren’t these open relationships supposed to build trust and whatnot? That is something Will and Jada have been proclaiming. However, if that trust was there, supposedly, then this would have never happened (if it did).

This is just one of just a plethora of cases that show why an open relationship just is not a good idea.

If a person truly loved you and respected you, they would not dare seek another person emotionally and/or physically. You would be their everything and would not need or want to give that up.

So if your partner is approaching you with talk of having an open relationship or asking for you to bring another person during your intimate time, there is a serious disconnect there and you need to re-evaluate the relationship.

That leads me to say this: contrary to popular belief, threesomes and “swinging” are not good ideas. Swinging and threesomes are something else that Will and Jada proclaim as great things that spice up their sex life, supposedly. However, you really have to question the relationship if your partner wants to take you to a party where you all have sex with other couples. Not only is that high risk sexual behavior, it will not establish and cement the trust you have in your relationship nor will it save it if it’s on the rocks.

Think about it for a second. How is having sex with another person going to improve your relationship?If you really believe that, I have some land on Mars I want to sell you. The only way to save your relationship is to close ranks and love and respect them enough to talk through your issues and work to see them through.

Relationships are seldom easy and if they seem easy, something is seriously wrong. Even though they are not easy, you can rest assured that bringing another person in the bedroom or having an open relationship is only going to compound those issues and make your relationship much worse.

And as for Will and Jada, I hope the rumors are not true and what not.

Some women spend way too much of their time lifting up their legs on the Facebook walls of their significant others.

By: Amanda Anderson

Facebook is not only a social experiment turned addiction; it’s a disease, a disgusting cyber-esque plague that has infected the brains of many women who were once civil in their former social lives. How can it be that something as mundane and simple as Facebook has a way of making the grow-nest of folks seem so childish?

Is it the simplicity of blasting all of our personal business to thousands of strangers and once familiar faces? Or have we always been this ridiculous, and the social networks are more of a magnifying glass to the flaws we could once hide offline?

In one simple status update, I know who’s been knocked up, who’s getting divorced, who’s embarking on a new booty call, who is a booty call and lastly; who’s insecure about their latest “committed” relationship.

Yes, it’s truly that easy, and the sad thing is that Facebook has a pretty crappy return policy. You see, there are no returns actually, considering that you can never take back what you put out on your Facebook news feed. Even after its deletion, that secret you released is there forever. And sadly, it’s fresh on the brains of an audience who cares little about you and your latest issue. However, you and your issues are so damn entertaining.

While I could write a book with many chapters on the many different types of Facebook dilemmas, my biggest pet peeve is Facebook Wall Pissin’. Someone may mistake me for a total hater (we live in a society of limited vocabulary and insults), but honestly, there’s nothing more annoying than the woman who can’t seem to refrain from lifting her leg on her man’s/potential’s Facebook wall.

Everyone has seen this ridiculous display of childishness in some shape or form. Rather it’s the girlfriend who comments on every single status, every picture; or the stalker type chick who actually logs on to her man’s Facebook account just to tell him some mushy crap in his own status she penned herself…while logging into his account. These women are annoying, and the perfect example of what insecurity can do in relationships during the social network era.

I mean, we get IT; you love him, he’s yours…but if he’s really yours, do you really have to make it known daily on a social networking site that is more damaging than helpful?

And it’s not like your little territorial displays will keep females at bay, as we all know taken men are more appealing, regardless of the nutty girlfriend with a nasty Facebook addiction. How often have we heard that some raunchy Alicia Keys/Fantasia Barrino type woman backed off because you…updated a Facebook status or wrote 30 comments in his photo album?

The thing that I really can’t understand is why some people believe that going hard on Facebook will keep a relationship together. Haven’t we all seen the relationship fail with the guy who professed who love daily via Facebook to only end up being the biggest social networking whore when no one was looking?

And if that is the case, maybe the best relationships don’t need the most attention, or the most social networking territorial displays.

When a man is truly ours, he is truly ours; and it’s not because of our Facebook territorial tactics, but because he wants to be.

So the next time you get an itch to lift up your leg and act in your insecurities, remember real ladies are squatters, with little to show, and even less to prove.

Log out, and put your energy into your relationship, not the newsfeed. And just maybe, you won’t have to change your relationship status anytime soon.